sssssssssssssoooooooooo

*ahem*

AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

there, i said it.

seeeeeeeee, i really like posting here, because noone reads this.....

which is kinda lame, cause thats totally not what these are for, but whatever.

im sick of looking over my shoulder, having to watch what i say, or say it to. then i go and say the wrong thing and have everything blow up in my face.
i would totally turn into a hermit if i didnt think i would go stir crazy after a few hours.

new semester= me rocking back and forth in the fetal position wondering why i decided to study all aspects of the human condition in the same semester.
i remember thinking "see, itll be easy, because i will constantly have to focus in the same general area, and i wont have anything to distract me from it"....yeah, that was bad logic. very bad logic.
either way, itll be a fairly good semester. minus the fact that i wont be sleeping. thatll be hard. i miss sleeping. but if im intent on powering through, which i am, this is what im going to have to do. thank you santa for bringing me a programmable coffee maker.

so, its recently come to my attention how much people suck. seriously. but...its cool. im not perfect. far from, but thats a different story.

im not really sure why, but ive started wearing my confirmation necklace again. its really pretty, but im fairly certain im not wearing it for cosmetic reasons.
although, its not really helping me in any other aspect. meh.

i wish i had a pensieve. thatd be pretty great. OR a time-turner. actually, scratch that. i want a time-turner. i need a time-turner. i dema...ok, thats unrealistic, but still it would help me so much. then i could go to my classes, study, hang out with people, and still find time for sleep. im serious. i need sleep. its actually gotten to the point that i cant sleep anymore because im just so tired. i think im a couple of nights away from the hallucinations. the only thing helping is my handy dandy bottle of tylenol pm. even though i cant use it that often for several reasons, one of which being ill build up an immunity to it, and then where would i be?

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so, i guess one of the great things about this actually turning back into a journal and not an actual blog is.....
i can brag/gloat/be happy and no one can ruin it!

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo i got a 4.0........in all of my classes. YAY! but, can i do it a second time? maybe

ps, if you ruin my happiness about that........youre banned from this blog.....go on, get! shoo! amscray! or something like that.....!

im thinking about deleting my facebook........im serious......what is the point? people starting drama, crazy stalkers, and a whole bunch of strangers. wow, this sounds really high school. im not ok with even a tiny part of that.

speaking of high school..........everyone i know is pregnant. im fairly certain its something in the water. which is why i dont drink water. not really. but seriously, i can only think of a handful of people that arent pregnant. or trying. or have kids. i recently raided the toy aisle during the after christmas sales and everyone else is shopping maternity. and my selfish self is sitting around wondering if everyone else jumped the gun, or if i missed the last train to adulthood. realistically, its probably the latter but either way, i dont know, its just a little unsettling. speaking of unsettling, im fairly certain my cat is an addict. catnip infused scratching posts seemed like such a good idea at the time. the furniture, my toes, and my sanity are officially forfeit.

so, in conclusion: its january. i survived my first semester here. people suck. im very tired. the cat is high. and.......im awesome.

thoughts, questions, comments.....leave 'em.

not sure why it wont let me put a title in....but whatevs...

so, its been quite some time since i last updated....

i still feel like im adjusting to living here. something tells me that this feeling wont go away. at least not for a while.
ive gotten into the rhythm of class, and work, and friends, and life....and yet...
i feel like im just jumping through hoops.

i suppose it might just be the almost absurd amount of down time. too much time to think. and as anyone who knows me will know, thinking is not necessarily the best thing for me to do. or at least not the type/kind of thinking ive been doing. i wish i could just be happy. sometimes i wish i could be ignorant and not think this way. i could make a good student. i could make a good living. i could be so happy....

either way, im doing fairly well in class. to date i havent gotten anything lower than 100% on anything. that may change with the test results from my history class, but i thought the same thing about my paper for human development....so who knows...

is it weird that doing well scares me? well, i guess its not that doing well scares me......but...the reasons why. am i really succeeding or is it the grading scale that's changed? is it my new environment? what do i do when i stop succeeding? will i?

ive been trying to throw myself into my work but other than pages and pages of reading....its just not captivating. im learning, and applying it all but....something is still wrong....

ive also been throwing myself into my new-found hobby: cake decorating.....kinda lame, but still fun. although, its helped me out just about as much as anything else that ive been doing. in a perfect world, id like to get a client base, and actually start doing it for money....but im still in the marshmallow fondant and premade cake mix stage. not really conducive to an independant business. not that i feel like im qualified at all for my own business right now, but it wouldnt hurt to have a little bit of extra money coming in.

i guess what it all comes down to is the big question.....whats the point?
what am i working towards? do i really want to devote my time and energy into cake decorating when i still dont have a steady source of income? if i try to make a steady income out of decorating/designing/crafting what will it serve? a part-time job?

ugh.....every little sidetrack like this always seems like some sort of get rich quick scheme. or that im just reaching too high. it always seems like whenever i try to pull myself out of this pit, through one way or another, i get dragged back down and sink further each time. but thats enough of my pretentious metaphors....for now.

i guess out of everything...i mostly feel....out of place. like i just dont belong here. but that begs the question.....where do i belong?

ugh, more whining....i need to stop that.

im listening to scream by A7X....havent done that since..................well, lets just say, its been a while.

through glass

scars by papa roach

look it up. read the lyrics. i dont even have to go through the formality of writing a blog. they wrote it for me. YAY.

ps, new things in the mix? life turning around? new goal? newness is good? ill update more later

Hell

Hell is not a pit of fire.
There are no pitchforks in Hell.
If you go to Hell, you will never see Satan.

Hell is a pitch-black room. No light. No sound. No floor, no ceiling. No taste. No touch.
Emptiness. Blackness. Blankness. Nothingness.

Nothing.

I realize I said I wouldnt complain on here anymore. And technically, Im not complaining. Because I have nothing to complain about. I have no job to cause me undo stress. I have no children to run around screaming. I have no husband to doubt the loyalty of. Nope. Nothing.

Now, dont get me wrong. There are things in my life that a good. I have good friends. I have a loving fiance. I have a roof over my head. I have kitties underneath my feet. (grrr).

But....

friends are great.....when they call....or when we can talk.....or they can listen....

fiances are great.....but its still not a permanent commitment.....they could walk away tomorrow and be little worse for wear....

having a house is great......unless it still doesnt feel like home.....

and cats are great...except for when they start whining.....or scratching.....or biting....or whining....

I know not everything in my life is horrible. And I really do hate painting the portrait of my life that way....

But it is a very common fact that the worse someone feels, the harder it is to see the good things....
And Im trying. I really am. But being in this position makes me so pessimistic, I hardly see the point of trying at all.

However.....I think the thing that really gets me...

Im not angry. Im not sad. Im not.....disappointed.....in any of this.....

I just feel.........nothing.